Tickled to death...

Well, I was the only KnitWit present tonight and guess what?! I didn't knit. I may have to invite them for tomorrow since knitting night did fall on an observed holiday. That did not stop me from getting sucked into the Bachelorette!!

Next stop on the "world tour" is Lisbon, Portugal. Spoiler alert - this is a kind of boring episode, saved only by the fact that there was a slightly surprising rose ceremony and then a fun interview with Jake and Vienna. The men arrive and meet Chris Harrison in a sort of plaza for the low down on what's to come. Four dates, no roses on dates. Lots of birds in that square. A little Hitchcockian. And off they go!

*side note - Has anyone else noticed how much cooler Chris Harrison is with the bachelors than when there is a group of bachelorettes? He always wears a suit for the girls and is very formal, bordering on scripted. But with the guys it's all very hip, laid back Chris Harrison - open collar, kind of metro, and his language gets a little more street. Like the information they got last week from Jessie was "legit." I might watch this show too much.

First one-on-one date is for Roberto. Ali and Roberto start the date by wandering/dancing/kissing in the streets of Lisbon, taking photos of each other jumping around. Roberto is a terrible photographer. She says that she is having fun and that she likes that Roberto is not afraid of being goofy and silly with her. But I don't see that. In fact, as much I have a positive feeling about Roberto, we know very little about him. He pretty much keeps his cool. He is a good looking guy and clearly Ali is attracted to him, but he is kind of quiet. Guest KnitWit Susannah, who comes to KnitWits when she is visiting from Concord, MA, once told me that in college they referred to guys who were really nice to look at but didn't have much beyond that as "baseball players." Guess what Roberto really was? That might not bother Ali, but I'm just saying...Back to the show. Roberto and Ali take a cable car around town and smooch most of the time. They climb to the top of an old castle and drink wine and munch on some goodies. Ali tells Roberto that he is kind of a mystery to her. Hint to Ali - if you want to figure him out, stop kissing him so much and talk to him. You aren't going to solve that mystery by sucking the answers out of his face. Roberto says he keeps things simple and values the little things. Ah - how poignant and at the same time how vague. Ali says Roberto amazes her and she thinks he could really be the one for her.

Second date is a two-on-one with Frank, Ty and Ali. Awkward! She takes them on a helicopter (surprise!) to get a bird's eye view of Portugal. Ali is finding it very hard to be on a date with two guys and is feeling the pressure of choosing whose home she will be going to next week. They go to a castle that belonged to Queen Isabella and things get weirder at the intimate dinner for three. Ali asks Ty to come talk to her so she can ask the questions she can't ask in mixed company. They sit on a doorstep and talk about Ty's family. Ty assures her that they would love her even though she plans to work. He says they will base their judgment on how he feels about her. Ty goes further to say it "tickles him to death" to know that Ali has a plan. He make think that's reassuring, but really it's condescending. You want to have a job? Isn't that cute. And what guy says "tickles?" If you know one who does, tell him to stop. That is not a guy thing to say. Better yet, punch him in the mouth and tell him to man up. Then Ali has a little alone time with Frank. They take their wine and go nestle under/in a huge tree. It disappoints me that Frank needs the "I" v. "me" grammar lesson. Grrr. Frank confesses that he lives with his parents and Ali doesn't care. So they make out for a bit. At least she had not been kissing Ty beforehand. That is a huge pet peeve of mine. It makes me want to fed ex them some Listerine. Ali says Frank is everything she wants but everything that she fears.

Date three is Kirk - he and Ali start off with wine and snacks in the city. Ali is wearing a really cute sparkly top that I want to steal. Then they take a carriage ride up a mountainside to a palace. They are sort of snuggling, but Ali is holding back. She confesses she has a lot on her mind. He thinks she is nervous because hometown visits are a big deal. She says the date isn't going as well as she wanted it to go. They have a romantic dinner on the rooftop of the palace and Kirk tells Ali he wants her to be honest with him for better or worse. He thinks the illness he had in the past has made him more open to love and feels more deserving than in the past. Kisses!! Ali is back in the game! They are serenaded by some really talented performers - singer and two guitars and make out some more. Ali feels better about Kirk than earlier.

Chris takes Ali on the fourth date. They go for a scooter ride and Chris has never driven one before. He is driving really slowly. Like someone's grandmother would drive in her wheelchair. He says it is because he doesn't want to be the guy who kills the bachelorette. Chris, the only way she's dying is of old age by the time you get to the destination. Ali gets in the driver's seat and burns rubber to get them to their seaside vista spot before the cameramen lose their light. Ali asks Chris about his mom. All joking aside, I think Chris is really sincere with Ali and I think it's sweet that his cheeks get flushed when he is talking to her. You can tell that he genuinely likes her. They then go to a winery and Chris opens up more and more which Ali likes. Chris gives her a bracelet he had made for her before he came, but only feels comfortable giving now that they have progressed to this stage. His hands are shaking as he puts it on Ali's wrist. Chris can't wait to take her to his home and show her off. Kissing and more kissing. They walk around outside the winery. He picks a flower for her and they roll around on the grass smooching and holding each other. Ali thinks their relationship has moved ahead leaps and bounds.

Rose ceremony time! It's raining outside and four roses await. Ali is in the deliberation room and she's picking up the photos of Chris and Kirk - who will she send home? Ty!! Awww snap, ABC! You tricked us! Darn your fine editors for mixing in the helicopter footage of Ty in Portugal amongst the other footage of Tahiti! You got me! So taking Ali to their hometowns are Chris, Frank, Roberto and Kirk. Previews show that Kirk's dad is the taxidermist and that Frank's secret has something to do with another girl - oh yes, the cameras are rolling!

Now on to the Jake and Vienna interview. It's not really so much an interview as Chris Harrison and Jake sitting quasi-politely while Vienna rants about how horrible Jake is and how nothing is her fault, including selling her story to a tabloid. Vienna makes several accusations about Jake: that he left her alone all the time, would never be intimate, moved her to LA away from her family, would not get to know her family, and many other petty details. Jake finds her emasculating, undermining, selfish and can't believe she would sell her story to be in the spotlight. Vienna cries a lot and interrupts Jake any time he tries to talk. Her only excuse for selling her story is that she knew he would sell his and she wanted to have her story heard. Jake maintains that he wouldn't. I'd go into more detail, but it wouldn't change anything. It's just Vienna nervously accusing Jake of stuff and Jake using the "no, I didn't" defense. Vienna storms off crying. Who would have thought their relationship would have fallen apart? What is this world coming to? I am starting to question if anything is real anymore.

On an up note, even though I DVR The Bachelorette, my sharp eyes caught an ad that made me screech to a halt. The Bachelor Pad starting August 9th. Faces that made go "Hey, there's what's her name!!" That's right, ladies and gents: Bachelor/ette rejects are all living in the same house vying for love and a chance at a quarter of a million dollars. Count me in! I checked the website and Jesse, Mean Craig and the Weatherman from this season will all be there. David G. from Jillian's season (codename:Anger Management to the KnitWits) and his pal Juan (codename: Lunchie) are all in along with lots of bachelorettes from Jake's season: Tenley, Gia, Jessie, Michelle K. (mental issues!) and Elizabeth who wouldn't kiss Jake. Oh yes, and Kiptyn and Wes from Jillian's season. This is happening, people!!