Tickled to death...

Well, I was the only KnitWit present tonight and guess what?! I didn't knit. I may have to invite them for tomorrow since knitting night did fall on an observed holiday. That did not stop me from getting sucked into the Bachelorette!!

Next stop on the "world tour" is Lisbon, Portugal. Spoiler alert - this is a kind of boring episode, saved only by the fact that there was a slightly surprising rose ceremony and then a fun interview with Jake and Vienna. The men arrive and meet Chris Harrison in a sort of plaza for the low down on what's to come. Four dates, no roses on dates. Lots of birds in that square. A little Hitchcockian. And off they go!

*side note - Has anyone else noticed how much cooler Chris Harrison is with the bachelors than when there is a group of bachelorettes? He always wears a suit for the girls and is very formal, bordering on scripted. But with the guys it's all very hip, laid back Chris Harrison - open collar, kind of metro, and his language gets a little more street. Like the information they got last week from Jessie was "legit." I might watch this show too much.

First one-on-one date is for Roberto. Ali and Roberto start the date by wandering/dancing/kissing in the streets of Lisbon, taking photos of each other jumping around. Roberto is a terrible photographer. She says that she is having fun and that she likes that Roberto is not afraid of being goofy and silly with her. But I don't see that. In fact, as much I have a positive feeling about Roberto, we know very little about him. He pretty much keeps his cool. He is a good looking guy and clearly Ali is attracted to him, but he is kind of quiet. Guest KnitWit Susannah, who comes to KnitWits when she is visiting from Concord, MA, once told me that in college they referred to guys who were really nice to look at but didn't have much beyond that as "baseball players." Guess what Roberto really was? That might not bother Ali, but I'm just saying...Back to the show. Roberto and Ali take a cable car around town and smooch most of the time. They climb to the top of an old castle and drink wine and munch on some goodies. Ali tells Roberto that he is kind of a mystery to her. Hint to Ali - if you want to figure him out, stop kissing him so much and talk to him. You aren't going to solve that mystery by sucking the answers out of his face. Roberto says he keeps things simple and values the little things. Ah - how poignant and at the same time how vague. Ali says Roberto amazes her and she thinks he could really be the one for her.

Second date is a two-on-one with Frank, Ty and Ali. Awkward! She takes them on a helicopter (surprise!) to get a bird's eye view of Portugal. Ali is finding it very hard to be on a date with two guys and is feeling the pressure of choosing whose home she will be going to next week. They go to a castle that belonged to Queen Isabella and things get weirder at the intimate dinner for three. Ali asks Ty to come talk to her so she can ask the questions she can't ask in mixed company. They sit on a doorstep and talk about Ty's family. Ty assures her that they would love her even though she plans to work. He says they will base their judgment on how he feels about her. Ty goes further to say it "tickles him to death" to know that Ali has a plan. He make think that's reassuring, but really it's condescending. You want to have a job? Isn't that cute. And what guy says "tickles?" If you know one who does, tell him to stop. That is not a guy thing to say. Better yet, punch him in the mouth and tell him to man up. Then Ali has a little alone time with Frank. They take their wine and go nestle under/in a huge tree. It disappoints me that Frank needs the "I" v. "me" grammar lesson. Grrr. Frank confesses that he lives with his parents and Ali doesn't care. So they make out for a bit. At least she had not been kissing Ty beforehand. That is a huge pet peeve of mine. It makes me want to fed ex them some Listerine. Ali says Frank is everything she wants but everything that she fears.

Date three is Kirk - he and Ali start off with wine and snacks in the city. Ali is wearing a really cute sparkly top that I want to steal. Then they take a carriage ride up a mountainside to a palace. They are sort of snuggling, but Ali is holding back. She confesses she has a lot on her mind. He thinks she is nervous because hometown visits are a big deal. She says the date isn't going as well as she wanted it to go. They have a romantic dinner on the rooftop of the palace and Kirk tells Ali he wants her to be honest with him for better or worse. He thinks the illness he had in the past has made him more open to love and feels more deserving than in the past. Kisses!! Ali is back in the game! They are serenaded by some really talented performers - singer and two guitars and make out some more. Ali feels better about Kirk than earlier.

Chris takes Ali on the fourth date. They go for a scooter ride and Chris has never driven one before. He is driving really slowly. Like someone's grandmother would drive in her wheelchair. He says it is because he doesn't want to be the guy who kills the bachelorette. Chris, the only way she's dying is of old age by the time you get to the destination. Ali gets in the driver's seat and burns rubber to get them to their seaside vista spot before the cameramen lose their light. Ali asks Chris about his mom. All joking aside, I think Chris is really sincere with Ali and I think it's sweet that his cheeks get flushed when he is talking to her. You can tell that he genuinely likes her. They then go to a winery and Chris opens up more and more which Ali likes. Chris gives her a bracelet he had made for her before he came, but only feels comfortable giving now that they have progressed to this stage. His hands are shaking as he puts it on Ali's wrist. Chris can't wait to take her to his home and show her off. Kissing and more kissing. They walk around outside the winery. He picks a flower for her and they roll around on the grass smooching and holding each other. Ali thinks their relationship has moved ahead leaps and bounds.

Rose ceremony time! It's raining outside and four roses await. Ali is in the deliberation room and she's picking up the photos of Chris and Kirk - who will she send home? Ty!! Awww snap, ABC! You tricked us! Darn your fine editors for mixing in the helicopter footage of Ty in Portugal amongst the other footage of Tahiti! You got me! So taking Ali to their hometowns are Chris, Frank, Roberto and Kirk. Previews show that Kirk's dad is the taxidermist and that Frank's secret has something to do with another girl - oh yes, the cameras are rolling!

Now on to the Jake and Vienna interview. It's not really so much an interview as Chris Harrison and Jake sitting quasi-politely while Vienna rants about how horrible Jake is and how nothing is her fault, including selling her story to a tabloid. Vienna makes several accusations about Jake: that he left her alone all the time, would never be intimate, moved her to LA away from her family, would not get to know her family, and many other petty details. Jake finds her emasculating, undermining, selfish and can't believe she would sell her story to be in the spotlight. Vienna cries a lot and interrupts Jake any time he tries to talk. Her only excuse for selling her story is that she knew he would sell his and she wanted to have her story heard. Jake maintains that he wouldn't. I'd go into more detail, but it wouldn't change anything. It's just Vienna nervously accusing Jake of stuff and Jake using the "no, I didn't" defense. Vienna storms off crying. Who would have thought their relationship would have fallen apart? What is this world coming to? I am starting to question if anything is real anymore.

On an up note, even though I DVR The Bachelorette, my sharp eyes caught an ad that made me screech to a halt. The Bachelor Pad starting August 9th. Faces that made go "Hey, there's what's her name!!" That's right, ladies and gents: Bachelor/ette rejects are all living in the same house vying for love and a chance at a quarter of a million dollars. Count me in! I checked the website and Jesse, Mean Craig and the Weatherman from this season will all be there. David G. from Jillian's season (codename:Anger Management to the KnitWits) and his pal Juan (codename: Lunchie) are all in along with lots of bachelorettes from Jake's season: Tenley, Gia, Jessie, Michelle K. (mental issues!) and Elizabeth who wouldn't kiss Jake. Oh yes, and Kiptyn and Wes from Jillian's season. This is happening, people!!

we now return to our program, already in progress

Knitting night!
Let's get right to it: The Bachelorette. So we all knew what was coming, but that doesn't make it any less enjoyable to see Justin get his ass handed to him when he's busted for having a girlfriend. Chris Harrison comes to Ali's room and delivers the partial news. We wait as he rings informant Jessie, of Jake's season, to deliver the full information. Thanks, ABC, for having a camera in Toronto. We were having trouble remembering which one Jessie was.

So Jessie reveals that Justin has a girlfriend and that she is sitting next to her right now! Girlfriend Jessica gets on the phone and goes on to say that Justin hatched a plan to go on the show to become famous and planned to marry her upon his return. She also says that she agreed to and assisted him with the plan. But after he left, she found out he had another girlfriend as well. Ali is overcome and feels so sorry for Jessica. Okay, wait a minute. Let's back up. Justin already has a girlfriend, maybe two, and came on the show anyway. Girlfriend number one helped him perpetrate this fraud. So why are we feeling sorry for her? KnitWit Mary Beth made this call and I stand by it.

On to Justin. Set aside that he's a wrestler. He is still a major cheeseball! I have difficulty believing women are fighting over him. I'll admit that while he was on the show, I was taking pleasure in seeing Justin 20-30 paces behind the group hobbling along on his crutches. Especially on the sand at the beach. No sympathy points here. That was hilarious.

But Ali somehow had a connection with him and is astonished that he's been acting the whole time. I do love it that she doesn't mince words when ripping him up and down for outright lying. His run away scene was excellent and I must commend the camera men for following him as he was making his escape. He was climbing through shrubberies and some sort of water feature, very slowly getting away. It's not like she couldn't have caught up. Then he decides to come back and try to explain, but Ali's not buying it for a second. Good call.

I think there are many lessons learned here. 1. Never help your boyfriend go on a reality show to try to marry someone else. 2. When everyone in the household warns you about another contender, listen to them (ahem Vienna). 3. Stay away from cheeseball entertainment wrestlers with chains and triangular soul patches.

Let's get to the dates. Ty gets the first one-on-one date. The consensus at the KnitWits is that he seems nice, but probably not going to be the ultimate winner. She takes him to the Turkish baths where she thinks it's so hot and steamy that they should get close pretty quickly - in other words, she's already decided to make out with him. And she does. Afterward, they go have a quaint dinner together where she asks him about his divorce. The long and the short of it is that he served the papers, and the main reason was that he is very traditional and did not want his wife to work. He might not have used those exact words, but that was the gist. Ali listened intently with her eyes getting wider like they do when she thinks someone's crazy. And yet saying that traditional is the last word to describe her, she offers him the rose. Then they danced in the street and kissed. And he said the dance was "rememorable," which is not a word so he is fired (just by me).

The group date was interesting. Chris L., Kirk, Roberto, and Craig all go to a fifteenth century fortress and wrestle professional olive oil wrestlers and then each other. Against the professional wrestlers it was brutal. They all pretty much went down. Against each other they had more of a chance, but Craig prevailed as he was determined to win the one-on-one time with Ali. Everyone was astounded as he is not an athlete and the rest are. KnitWit Meredith is saddened by less screen time for Roberto (she hearts him), but is glad he won't be making out with Ali. Craig gets his precious one-on-one time with Ali, his first, and also a trophy in the shape of a pair of pants. I can't explain. They take a boat to a tower on an island where they enjoy dinner, champagne and fireworks. No makeout session which probably means no rose.

Final one-on-one date goes to Frank. KnitWits love Frank but agree that he should always keep his glasses on and that he is overemotional. And that he dresses better than her even though she has people choosing her clothes. She does have on some serious boots for shopping in the Turkish Bazaar. Frank is pretty funny. He tries on a Carmac the Magnificent turban and Ali tries on a belly dancer costume. Then they buy a rug and carry it around for the rest of the date. They go to a cistern and wade out to a palette to eat their dinner. Frank is still carrying the rug. They have a heart-to-heart talk about their relationship. It makes Frank nervous, it makes Ali scared, but he is ready to follow his heart and she tells him he should. She offers him the rose and then they make out. He's falling for her.

Ali decides to skip the cocktail party as she already knows what she's going to do. And, as predicted by the KnitWits, Craig is out. We all think he seems nice and that women will pounce on him when he returns home.

ABC should have given a spoiler alert before the preview of the coming weeks. They basically showed who was with Ali in Portugal, as you'd expect, but then her meeting Frank and Roberto's families! And if that weren't enough, they go on to show Ty in Tahiti (final three) and Frank going to Tahiti and telling Ali something that makes both of them cry - looks like he's bailing out on her. What?!?! That's more than a teaser.
I'll post about knitting separately as my 2-month old daughter is waking up and I have to go see about her!!

Reality KnitWits - the Rules

Welcome to Reality KnitWits. The KnitWits are a group of girls who knit together on Monday nights specifically so we can watch reality shows and have been doing so for about 3 or 4 years. Shows of choice are primarily The Bachelor/ette and Dancing with the Stars, but may be substituted with any other fluff if necessary.

Rules include:
1. We are the judgers, not the judgees - these people signed up to be on the shows so we will make fun of them at will and will not be thought less of for doing so.
2. Knitting is encouraged but not required. If you do not have a current project, you can still attend and use your time for running commentary on any given show.
3. We will not judge the state of Laura's house, which shall remain slightly messy.
4. We will help each other with knitting projects, giving advice where we can, solving misprints in any cryptic patterns, celebrating successes and mourning frogging.*

In the spirit of doing something productive with our time, other than knitting, we have agreed to contribute reviews of knitting patterns to this blog. We will add pictures of our projects and comment on the patterns, colors and fibers used, what we love and what we would have done differently. In the spirit of being true to ourselves, we will also be commenting on the shows.

*frogging - removing needles and ripping out rows (and hours) of knitting after discovering an error "rip it, rip it"